"What if..."

How many times have you said to yourself, ”What if…?” in the past week or month? You might have said it in the context of, “What if I say x? What will the other person think?” Or “What if I hadn’t eaten that second piece of pie? My pants probably wouldn’t be more snug right now.” Or “What if I had written myself a note? Then, I wouldn’t have forgotten to buy toilet paper when I was at the supermarket today.” We all play mind games with ourselves. We question our decisions or choices. We even question others’ decisions or choices. We ask if we could be doing something better.
Some “What ifs…” are more about learning, such as, “What if I had studied harder? I might have done better on that exam.” That is a learning opportunity and is a positive experience.

Others are more about paying the consequences of doing something. This is more serious and can result in a more negative experience. “What if I hadn’t sent that email to the wrong person? I might still have my job.” Eeks. One this is common to each of these examples, we have control over the process and the outcome.

Two events in my life over the past week have made me think the “What if…” in a more serious way. “What if my cousin Bobby hadn’t been driving on Monday night? He would still be alive now.” And after watching the advanced showing of the movie, The Road, I stepped outside, looked at the glitter and glamour of Legacy Place in Dedham and asked myself, “What if an apocalypse really did happen?”

I know neither of these events is in my control, but I still think about it and tease scenarios in my mind. What really happened in Bobby’s case? Would I be able to survive on nothing and protect my children?

I believe these situations make us feel more alive. They wake us up and remind ourselves about how fortunate we are to have what we have. We are present. We are living and breathing.

“What if..” can drive you crazy. “What if…” can make you a better person. Which one will you choose?

Bobby Sherman, I'll miss you

At 7:45 am on November 17, I received a call from my cousin, Randy. My cousin, Randy’s brother, Bobby Sherman, passed away in a car accident last night. Bobby lived in Virginia Beach, VA. He was 55 years young. In addition to Randy, he left a sister-in-law, Roberta, long-time girlfriend, Lynn, and many friends and family members. My father grew up as Bobby and Randy’s Uncle Lee. Bobby and he were close. They remained close to this day. My father had spoken with Bobby just two days ago. My father has said my son, Ari, reminds him of the way Bobby was as a little boy. Smart, precocious, always with some plan of action.



After hearing the news, I was shocked. I cried. Several memories ripped through my mind. The first one was when Bobby accompanies me on the piano at my wedding as I sang a song to my new husband. “What am I playing,” he said. “What I told you on the phone,” I answered.

Bobby was a child prodigy on the piano. He played by ear since the age of three. My father tells the story that when he would practice, he hated to read notes. They slowed him down. So, when his mother, my Aunty Florence, heard him going a mile-a-minute on the piano, she would yell out (in a lovely Southern drawl),”Bobby, read the notes! When he got older, he attended the Juilliard School and became a concert pianist. Brilliant. He later went into his family’s furniture business. Long story.
Another memory was simply when we’d get together, which wasn’t too often, I loved to hear him call my father Uncle Lee and my mother Aunty Pearl in his adorable Southern drawl. He called me darlin’. When he and a piano were in the same room, a sing-a-long was sure to ensue. He was very lovable and welcoming.

Bobby won’t be at a family Bar Mitzvah in January. Randy has lost his mother, his father and now his brother. Lynn has lost a best friend, companion and lover. And I am sad for my father. He won’t be able to call him by phone anymore. My father lost a nephew many years ago from a motorcycle accident. He always hated motorcycles after that. I am sure he won’t stop driving, but it will certainly make him and all of us a bit more alert on the road, at least for a little while.

I have spoken with a couple of cousins. We are still processing this. We know some of the story, but we’ll never know the rest of the story. What was he thinking about right before the crash? Was he alive at all after the crash? If so, for how long? I hope he didn’t suffer.

We all have those family members or friends with whom we don’t speak often, but we know “is there.” Maybe we get an update from others. Maybe we call once in a while. We exchange holiday cards and make sure things are ok.

Then, that person isn’t there anymore. Would I have done something differently if I had known? It’s not a fair question. Will I now contact more friends and family more regularly? I might. It seems cruel to say, but life goes on. Bobby would want it that way. Bobby was a free spirit. He didn’t like to “read the notes.”

Bobby, we will miss you.

Andre, thank you for being "Open"

Let’s just get this out of the way. I still love Andre Agassi. I think he has done a lot for tennis and continues to contribute to society in positive ways. I think Andre is brave and sincere. He didn’t write a book for our forgiveness. If he was sensitive about what the public thought, he never would have admitted to his severe and deep unhappiness with playing tennis, his brief addiction to drugs or his affinity for image to the point of wearing a hairpiece on court. Writing the book was cathartic. His life was full of control, none of which was his own. He was constantly in relationships and situations which didn’t feel right but which he stayed in nonetheless. It is a wonder he didn’t do more damage than a year of drugs and wear a hairpiece.

The one point I think we should focus on is that Andre was blessed with a second chance and he made it work. He turned his life around. Here’s a man with no more than a 9th grade education who is more mature, articulate and sophisticated than some with a PhD. He knew he had this chance and, ironically, he chose tennis as a way to dig himself out of a hole. He ended up #1 in tennis and on top of the world. He retired with style and grace.

Andre founded the Andre Agassi College Preparatory Academy (http://www.agassiprep.org/), a charter school in Las Vegas, to make sure children in underserved areas got a chance for the best education. He wants to see children go past the 9th grade.

Many have criticized Andre for lying… for taking drugs… for wearing a hairpiece. I ask those people, “Have you ever been so low you didn’t know which way was up?” “What would you have done?” “Would you have been strong enough to turn your life around?”

My point: We should thank Andre Agassi for being open about his life and for giving people, who might think there’s no way out, an inkling of hope that there is. He took the first step – he was honest with himself. That made it possible for him to then be honest to others. On the Academy’s Web site, it quotes Nelson Mandela, “For to be free is not to simply cast off one’s chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others.”