Parenting by the stages; can we ever catch up?

I have been a parent for a little more than 12 years. So, I could go on a limb and say I’m seasoned. Thing is, as soon as I have figured out one stage of a child’s life, his/her life and maturity changes, and I need to readjust to another stage. Quickly. If someone with an infant were to ask me a question, I might not be so seasoned anymore.

At first, parents worry more about the child’s basic needs, the physical needs. Is he eating enough? Growing enough? Pooping enough? Will she suffocate in the crib?

We turn around, and we worry the child will swallow a button and choke to death or put a bead up his nose. We know the child can make decisions, and we try to teach right from wrong in a very general, black and white sense. Another turn, and we worry he’ll fall off his bike and break a limb, or get teased at school. We’re now moving more into the “the child is independent, but we still need to watch over him” and into the emotional health.

It’s hard to write this and not get choked up. I remember when they were born and watched their every move. The first smiles. The first crawls and steps. The outings when it seemed like we needed to take everything with us just in case. Registration for kindergarten. First day of 1st grade. Hebrew School consecration. I have tears in my eyes thinking about it.

My son did put a bead up his nose. Fortunately, he knew how to blow it out. And not too long ago my daughter fell off her bike and hurt her ankle. Thank goodness it wasn’t a break. These are small and part of growing up- physical and emotions. It all seems easy in hindsight. These days, I’m talking with my children about sex, and saying no to drugs and alcohol. More than ever we pray that they will make the right decisions when we’re not around.

I think the good thing about parenting is that we get a little smarter at each stage. Sure, we can get baffled by some actions and reactions. But overall, we can think a little more quickly on our feet based on past experiences and what will sustain for the longer term. We try to be consistent in what we say and do.
By working hard for the past decade, we have begun to raise two smart, outgoing and sensitive children. They are our pride and joy, and they can drive us up the wall. But isn’t that the challenge? We raise our children to be independent thinkers, to question and to fight for what they think is right. Why should I stop them from doing that with us? Maybe getting more TV time isn’t exactly what we meant by fighting for what they think is right, but it’s a start.

Will we ever catch up? Probably not. As we raise our children, we also raise ourselves as parents. I wonder what tomorrow will bring? No time to worry.

Is Tiger Telling the Truth?

I had tuned out the Tiger Woods stuff until I watched his public apology the other night. Maybe I’m soft. Maybe I feel for his wife and family. I give Tiger credit for a ton of credit for making a public apology to his family, friends and business partners. The look on Tiger's face was sincere and remorseful. He did it directly in front of his mother. That had to have been difficult, but it also added to the authenticity. Elin (pronounced ee-lin) and the children were not present. I wonder if they tuned in?

Tiger has done what many sports heroes haven't been doing lately-- told the truth. True, it took long enough, but I am going to go on a limb and say he also needed to sort out his life and start rehab. That kind of unveiling takes strength and guts. It also shows he has reached the first and second steps of having any problem- admitting it and starting to solve it.

Not sure about you, but I have felt we have been betrayed by many athletes lately. I can’t spew out stats, but there have been too many athletes who have lied about and then admitted to taking performance enhancing drugs. There have been some pretty bad stories about athletes (and actors) gone wild. Tiger got caught… badly. Time to repent and heal.

Tiger, I feel for you and your family. I applaud your guts and wish you a speedy recovery. Forgiveness is the highest and holiest of deeds. Can we as fans be as strong? I’ll try. But I would also like to see how things pan out, and if you actually do what you say you will do.

"Just do it."

So much to do... so little time

My eyes are bigger than my. calendar. I love my job. I love my family. I love the activities I do. But I need a change. Problem is, how do I fit it into all of the other things that I love doing, which take time?

Years ago, I dropped playing the piano in favor of playing tennis. Anyone who knows me knows how much I love playing and competing in tennis, but now I want to take piano lessons and try to get to a point where I can play a known song fairly well.

Every time I hear a Rabbi Kushner speak, I want to read his books. I have started several of them.

Just yesterday, I heard Brandeis Professor Shulamit Reinharz speak. Now, I want to read her books and articles, of which there are dozens and dozens. I have Googled her and found a couple of articles.

When I see the Adult Ed listings at my synagogue, I want to sign up for several courses. I have taken one so far.

Am I a failure? I would rather not think so. I chalk it up to an ongoing schedule which won't quit. I won't drop my job. I won't leave my family or spend less time with them. I won't stop playing tennis (although I play less in the winter months). I do have other volunteer activities, which I could let slide, but I don't.

Hold Your Tongue

Raise your hand if you've ever held your tongue. Raise your hand if you've wished you had held your tongue. I don't mean in the literal sense.

We've all been in both situations. I have learned to do it more to keep peace, to risk not hurting someone's feelings or to simply prevent myself from being a gossip monger. I learned in business school that it isn't necessary to always have something to say. Sitting back and listening is just a valuable. But in those cases where you don't agree with someone or the person says something nutso in your eyes, you need to quickly weigh the value of speaking up or letting it pass.

This happened to me recently. Long story short, this mother felt her son sang very beautifully when in reality, he was so off key, it made the audience cringe. She said he had been taking voice lessons and was so proud of him. Thank goodness we cannot read each other's minds because I was thinking, "Whoa lady, were you listening to the right kid?" But I simply nodded and tried to say something positive about the performance. It was enough to muddle through the conversation and move on.

We tend to argue or one-up people with whom we are close, such as parents or spouses. This is where the rubber hits the road in terms of being able to stop yourself from trying to get in the last word and prevent a full-fledged fight. I think people pick fights when trying to establish some level of respect from the other person. I will attest to that.

My answer to this is the respect will come faster without the snide remarks, hurtful comments or need to toss out the last word. It is a skill to turn a potential argument on its head. It can also be transferred into the business setting. It's called, don't be defensive.

This is easier said than done, but feel free to take the shortcut to freedom and learn to hold your tongue. You will be happier, and believe me, so will others.

The Glimmer of Hope Continues

I took Dad to an eye doc appointment today. He was nervous, but I could sense a little less depressed. His eye didn’t look as sore and swollen.

First, a nurse examined his eye and put some drops in to dilate the pupil. He asked the same question he asks every nurse, “Will it get better?” The nurse was patient and positive, saying she’s seen cases like this, and they have resulted in the patient being able to see. They don’t have all of the results back from the lab test, so they still aren’t 100% certain which type of bacteria it is. For now, he’s taking an antibiotic that will zap just about everything.

The doctor came in, and he too was very patient. My father had several questions ready, which the doctor answered as thoroughly as he could. One key element in all of this is that my father has diabetes. Although his blood flow is fine, the blood quality can have an impact on how the eye will heal. This is why he must be very careful to keep his blood sugar at the regulated level. Thanks to my Mom, my Dad has been religious about putting in all of his drops.

The doctor did an ultrasound on the eye. I said, “ooo, the heartbeat… oh, wrong ultrasound.” That got a little chuckle from my Dad anyway.

The infection is clearing and the eye looks better. My Dad still sees only light, but that’s a good sign. He doesn’t have to wear his patch during the day. But he needs to be careful when turning to the right. Still no tennis or driving, of course.

Right now, there is a chance that my Dad will regain the sight in his eye. It could take months, but there is a chance.

After we made the follow-up appointment and were walking to the car, I said, “Dad, if this were me, what would you say?” He said, “I would tell you that the eye is healing and that you should be patient. You should keep a positive attitude.” I said, “Back at you.” He smiled.

He didn’t sigh as much during the ride home. I could sense a glimmer of hope in his being. I am going to do all I can to keep that glimmer of hope alive.

Forgiveness

I have to give my daughter credit. She “shakes it off,” as they say. She is forgiving and a great friend. One of her friends was mean to her. Abby was hurt and angry. We talked about it, and Abby was cautious, but I could tell she wasn’t prepared to write her off entirely. Apparently, the friend then said she was sorry “a million more times,” as Abby put it. They are now friends again. This whole scenario lasted for about five days.

Although I am a little skeptical that this will happen again, and I hate to see my little girl get hurt, I applaud Abby for her ability to forgive.

When was the last time you forgave someone? It’s not easy when you get disappointed or hurt. The first thing you want to do it give the other person a taste of her own medicine. “I’m going to be mad at you, see how you like it.” Or “Who needs a friend like you?” Who loses? Both of you. It takes energy to be mad. And it’s negative energy.

If the person sincerely apologizes, then it’s worth giving her another shot, particularly if the poor behavior isn’t typical. The person learned a lesson, knew she went too far and was big enough to apologize.

It’s not easy to forgive, but it’s a healthy way to approach life. Abby is ahead of her years in this department as evidenced by these inspirational pearls of wisdom from some wordly folks:

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”
- Mahatma Ghandi

"To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness.”
- Robert Muller

"Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much."
- Oscar Wilde

Seeing Fear, Part II - A Ray of Hope

I took my parents to my dad’s follow up appointment today. The place felt like a factory. First, we sat in the waiting room for what seemed like an eternity. Then, they called him in. I waited while my mother went in with him. The nurse removed the bandage. He can see light but he still cannot see shapes. My mother called me to sit with them in the hallway while they waited to speak with the doctor. We waited for what seemed like another eternity (although I did thumb through a good article in this month’s New Yorker about the similarities between the government’s role in helping the farming industry and what it might be able to do for healthcare.. but I digress).

All we saw were doctors and nurses walking up and down and hallway, not making eye contact, which made even my father chuckle. My father was nervous. My mother was driving him crazy with a ton of questions. I just kept flipping through the magazine trying to focus on one article at a time. At last, we heard, “Leon Sherman.”

We all piled into the very small examination room where the doctor looked into his eye again and then made his next assessment. He used a model, which was helpful. He said that my father’s eye was filled with pus. The doctor was able to remove about 95% of it. The other 5% is sitting too close to the retina, and there was too much of a risk to try to go there. It’s a matter of blasting it out with antibiotics and letting the retina heal. This happens one in every 1,000 cases (sorry, I said 10,000 in my prior post).

The bad news is that he cannot see out of that eye now. The good news is that there is a chance he will be able to see should the infection clear and the retina heal. That might take another two weeks. In the meantime, my father must take three different kinds of drops several times per day to help fight this. He must also wear an eye shield at night and sun glasses that practically wrap around his head when he goes out during the day. He hates these glasses. He says they make him look old.
To answer the question of whether or not he will play tennis again? I am betting on yes. Should he lose sight in that eye, he will also be able to drive. But let’s take it one step at a time.

He has another appointment next Tuesday. As long as the eye doesn’t get worse or hurt, he very well might be on the road to recovery.

Stay tuned… and thank you for your well wishes. They mean a lot.