Growing Up

“…If growing up means
It would be beneath my dignity to climb a tree,
I'll never grow up, never grow up, never grow up. Not me.”

We all know those words from “Peter Pan.” And as I look to becoming closer to the age of 50 with every passing day, I realize that I have never really grown up. Sure, I do grown-up things like work and manage a house, but I also love to play.

“…I don't want to wear a tie.
And a serious expression
In the middle of July.”

Who really wants to wear a serious expression when it’s a glorious 80-degree day?! I drop my son off at camp in the morning and am slightly jealous that he’ll be able to play and be outdoors for the next six hours while I sit at a computer. Yes, I had my day, but who says I still can’t have my fun?

I love to play catch with Ari before camp and take him to the ballpark in the afternoon, or go swimming. I have even been known to join a playdate if the boys need an extra for wiffle ball. On the weekends, we’ve been going bird watching at different places, such as Drumlin Farm , The Broadmoor and the Mt. Auburn Cemetary.

We also enjoy reading together, going to movies and playing games. Quite simply, I love spending time with him. Maybe I am adult enough to appreciate this.

That is not to say I don’t love spending time with my daughter, Abby. She is mature for her age and fun to talk with, but she has different tastes. Instead of playing sports or going bird watching, she would rather go shopping, or better yet, invite a friend to go shopping, even on a beautiful sunny day. One day this spring, when I really didn’t want to go shopping, I said to myself, “Hey, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.” I have learned that I need to let Abby be Abby. It keeps the peace.

On this day in spring, I let Abby and her friend go to a few stores, while I bought some lunch for myself and hit a couple of stores on my own. Pretty soon, I received a call from her that they were hungry and would I meet them at Au Bon Pain. We met, and I showed them what I bought. They liked one item and nixed two, so they went with me to pick out other clothes. I ended up shopping with them and having a ton of fun.

There is a line between being a parent and being your children’s friend. But I have found you can blur that line, and it can give you credibility and respect. For the most part, when you want to do what they want to do, you’re validating their interests, and you’re allowing them some freedom.

You cannot spend every waking moment with your children. That isn’t healthy for you or them. They need to socialize with their peers, and so do you. But it is really important to spend time together. Sometimes they can do things you want to do, and other times you can make the plans. Balance it out.

The other day, we visited Abby at camp. She will be spending 3 ½ more weeks there. I know she’s having a grand time, and it’s the best thing for her, but I miss her. Next year, Ari would like to go to overnight camp for a half session. That means I won’t have any children at home for 3 ½ weeks. Holy cow. I might have to play with the kids down the street.

“…'Cause growing up is awfuller
Than all the awful things that ever were.
I'll never grow up, never grow up, never grow up,
No sir,
Not I,
Not me,
So there!”

Will on-court coaching help or hurt?

I have been thinking about this topic for a while and… I believe on-court coaching should be allowed in professional tennis during the game changeovers. There. I said it.

There are many so-called purists who feel that it is totally inappropriate, such as this writer.

Then, I found this article from 2008, saying that on-court coaching will be allowed at all women's tournaments next season, apart from the four grand slams.

I cannot think of another sport which doesn’t allow coaching. Even golfers have a caddy to whom they can turn for a little advice. Doubles players (tennis) can help one another. Why is singles so special, so pure?

The event that triggered this thought was Serena Williams’ outburst in last year’s US Open. I think that if she had had a coach on court, he or she might have been able to step in for damage control.

Additionally, we all see players looking up at their coaches and families during a match. And many times the TV will pan in on the coach making some sort of motion. So, at least make it legitimate.

I do not expect that a coach will have in-depth conversations on the odd games when players switch sides. But the coach can give a pointer or two, and maybe offer a little strategy. The player will still be the one doing the work on the court.

A USA Today article in 2006 noted,” Fairness is another issue because many players can't afford to travel with coaches. Some coaches work with more than one player, creating potential conflicts of interest or at least awkward situations.” This point is well taken, But I think a tournament could supply a coach to any player who doesn’t have one. As far as a coach who works with more than one player, that can get tricky, but I think it’s doable for a coach to work with more than one player during a tournament.

The article in The Telegraph says that the fans tuned in will be able to listen to the coach’s comments. This could be very interesting and either trump the commentator’s analysis, which might be a good thing, or complement it. We might hear commentary on the commentary.

My good friend and teammate Lyn Calkins, who is an excellent singles and doubles player, remarked, “[Singles] is a very lonely game. That's one of the reasons it's a turn-off for a lot of kids, (i.e, my first-born, who prefers being on a team). Honestly, I think that's why I'm enjoying doubles so much these days.”

The bottom line is that tennis players must love to practice and love the competition. The pros must also encourage the fans to keep playing and learning. On-court coaching can level the playing field and keep fans actively engaged and growing with the sport.

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Raising a Child

I was a shy child. My mother said that when I was a little girl, I didn’t look at adults and hid behind her when they approached. That was, until age 5, when my kindergarten report cards would state, “Very bright but a little too social…” What changed? I don’t exactly recall a specific moment, but I do recall t my parents practicing dialogues with me. For example, “When someone asks you, ‘How are you?’ You should then say, ‘Fine thank you, how are you?’” They taught me that exposing myself to different subjects gave me ammunition to speak with people intelligently.

When I became a parent, it was interesting to be the one responsible for teaching little people how to interact and socialize. I wanted to be sure my children would feel confident expressing their voice to others, in a respectful way. I soon realized I had it a little easier than my parents did. My daughter was born talking. And her confidence gene was oversized. The challenge was to keep all of that gregarious energy channeled in the right way. She too received reports from school saying, “Very bright, but needs to work on self-control…” On the one hand, I knew we had to work on that and help her understand when it’s time to socialize and when it’s time to be quiet and listen. On the other hand, there was a little part of me that said, “Yesss!” She has since improved upon this self control.

It took a little longer for my son to start talking. His sister used to talk for him. But when he did talk, I knew he too would be very social. He watched his family and learned. He had a very easy disposition and was also outgoing. I know that’s not taught, but it can be fostered. For example, when we went to a playground, he had no qualms about asking another parent to push him on the swings. And once again, Ari still comes home with “Progressing” in the self-control category on his report cards. This is still a work-in-progress.

One characteristic I think is critical to foster in a child is a sense of humor. Both of my parents know how to do a “schtick” – start with something random and keep going with it. I learned how to find the funny in something or myself to keep life in perspective. There was great comedy in television with such classics as “I Love Lucy” and “The Dick van Dyke Show.” When I was about 10, my father exposed me to the wonders of the late, great Henny Youngman. This led me to delivering stand-up monologues at Camp Matoaka by age 11. I could make other people laugh! To me, there isn’t a more potent means of interaction than humor in the area of social skills.
Fortunately, I married a guy with a good sense of humor. And this trait this caught on for both kids, which has complimented their personalities and helped them stay grounded as good people.

I realize it’s hard to teach someone how to be funny or how to find the humor in something else. I think you can do it by how you react to situations. Sarcasm, when used properly, can be funny. Exaggerating an action can be funny. Some claim that humor cannot or should not be explained. Author E.B. White once said, "Humor can be dissected as a frog can, but the thing dies in the process and the innards are discouraging to any but the pure scientific mind.”

My point: There are so many traits we want to instill in our children – tolerance, determination, forgiveness, resiliency. However, I believe that having a sense of humor is the foundation for all of these characteristics. Tthe benefits of humor and laughter are enormous both emotionally and mentally. It can boost the immune system, reduce stress, relax muscles, lower blood pressure, increase our tolerance for pain, and hasten the healing process. This makes growing up more fun and carries a person far into adulthood.

Make New Friends, But Keep the Old.

“Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other is gold. “

We might learn that rhyme in nursery school, but it transcends our whole lives. This past weekend, Camp Matoaka in Oakland, Maine kicked off its 60th anniversary with a fabulous reunion. Huge thanks to Jason and Leslie Silberman, the camp directors, and Wendy Berliner, the assistant director, for spoiling us and helping us rekindle camp life even for a few days. I also want to send an even bigger thanks to the people who attended, without whom there would not have been a reunion… without whom there would not have been Camp Matoaka.

Granted, I know that everyone who attended camp didn’t love it. And I also realize that every moment of every day wasn’t all sunshiny bright. But we tend to forget the negative, or at least push it to the back burner, when there are so many good things to remember. I attended Matoaka from 1974 – 1983. Many things have stayed the same, and there are also new traditions, as I think should happen.

When we set foot onto the campus, we became Camp Matoaka girls again. I met campers who attended twenty years before I did and twenty years after I did. No matter how old or for how many years we attended, all of those years melded together. We were all the same. We all turned back time, and time stood still.

The campus is in tremendous shape thanks to the directors and staff, who have, over the years, continuously improved upon the facilities. But what puts the Magic in the “Matoaka Magic” is the people. On one level, it felt like we had never left. We played tennis, went sailing and horseback riding, swam, water skied, and challenged ourselves on the ropes course. We slept in the bunks and hung our bathing suits on the line outside. We talked about stuff… girl stuff. It was as if nothing had changed.

On another level, some of us hadn’t seen friends for 20-30 years, and we delved into what was happening in each other’s lives. Although we sat in the same space where we existed as campers, we were talking about spouses and children and adult issues. Although we were not campers anymore, for just a couple of days, we could be campers again.

Just like old times, as soon as our bottoms hit the benches at dinner, the singing started. Back in the day, we used to sing so much and so loudly, we’d get hoarse. I will admit, I got choked up when the songs and cheers began. My mind raced back to the 1970s, and I was a camper again. I saw Uncle Joe and Aunt Midge (Nathanson, the founders and first owners of the camp), I saw the room as it was. I heard the songs as they had been sung. When I pulled myself together, I started to sing and realized the words easily flowed out of my mouth.




Camp was a time to learn about community, about ourselves and about sharing. We used our bodies and our minds. We learned about being girls. Speaking for myself, I learned that I could be away from my parents for an extended period of time and be more than okay. I took risks. I tried new things. I developed a style and a being. I formed everlasting friendships and memories. Without a doubt, I would not be the same person I am today had I not attended Camp Matoaka.

Now, I am in my reality at home with my family, remembering the weekend through pictures and conversations. This feeling will linger for a while and will become part of the box of camp memories. Thanks to the phone, email, snail mail and Facebook, we are able to stay in touch and keep the Matoaka Magic alive.


As Michael Nathanson, Uncle Joe and Aunt Midge’s eldest son and second director of Camp Matoaka said, “Camp Matoaka provided the place, the Nathansons provided the opportunity. But it was always you girls who provided the abundance of SP-IR-IT, and for that we will always love you all!"

"Make new friends, but keep the old..." To me, they’re both gold.

Create a Community of Concern

On Mother’s Day this year, I asked my children to raise their right hands. Then I asked them to repeat after me, “I [name] promise mom and dad that I will not drink alcohol or smoke anything.. ever. If I am at someone else’s house, and kids start to drink and/or smoke, I will call mom and dad to pick me up. I will not be ashamed of this choice because I know it’s the right choice.”

No, this isn’t brainwashing. It’s the first step to communicating with my children about alcohol and drug abuse. Granted, I have had discussions with my older one, who is in Middle School. I have asked if she has ever encountered a situation where kids were drinking or smoking and encouraged her to do the same. I have asked if her friends even talk about this. Brad and I occasionally drink in front of the kids. They also see us drinking wine during holidays. They see that we do not drink to get drunk. Most of the time, I don’t even finish my glass. We do not smoke. So far, I feel comfortable that my children are not interested in drinking and smoking, but I also know that things can change. Peer pressure and curiosity can get the best of anyone. We know it's important to keep reminding and keep communicating.

Rewind 6 days…

On May 3, I attended a forum through the Ashland Youth Substance Abuse Prevention Initiative. The objectives of the forum were multi-fold. First, it was meant to educate parents on the effects of substance use on a child’s brain development and growth. Second, it encouraged parents to talk about this topic with their children. Third, it asked parents to change the culture on underage drinking and drug use by delaying their children’s first use of alcohol until… adulthood. The overall goal is to help children make good decisions now, which will take them through middle school, high school and college. And learning about even the first objective, the goal becomes a no-brainer.

The first speaker was Mimi Fleury, one of the founders of an organization called Community of Concern This organization began in 1998 in response to a real need for a publication that could help both parents and students gain a better understanding of alcohol, tobacco and other drugs. Mimi and other parents from Georgetown Preparatory School in Bethesda, Maryland, wrote and published a booklet titled, A Parent's Guide for the Prevention of Alcohol, Tobacco and Other Drug Use, which is making the rounds nationwide. In fact, Mimi Fleury traveled all the way from Maryland to speak with Ashland parents.

Along with Mimi, Dr. Marissa Silveri delivered a tremendously powerful presentation on the neurobiological effects of drug and alcohol use. Dr. Silveri is a behavioral neuroscientist who holds appointments as Assistant Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and Associate Research Psychologist in the Brain Imaging Center at McLean Hospital. She uses MRI to study teen brain development.

A child’s brain stops growing by age 5 or 6 and starts remodeling with little change in volume. But children can improve the speed or efficiency of neuron communication. Drinking affects the frontal lobe, which is the primary area for making decisions and strengthening common sense. As a result, alcohol and drug use alters the brain’s functionality and prevents children from making good decisions. Thus, it inhibits that remodeling and overall performance in school and in life.

Here are some astounding facts:

1. Studies show that a person who starts drinking before age 15 is four times more likely to develop alcoholism than someone who delays drinking until age 21.
2. In Massachusetts, urban and suburban youth use drugs in about the same numbers.
3. Teens who drink are more likely to drive drunk, have sex, fight and experiment with other drugs.

The forum also discussed ways to parent teenagers about drinking and smoking. One is to be a good role model. Another is to be clear about expectations. A third is to set limits and follow through. It is also important to be involved in your child’s life and help him/her become well-rounded. Encouraging children to try hard, do well in school and participate in extra-curricular activities will also divert attention in a positive direction. If you feel you need more help in guiding your child, reach out and seek out help from a social worker, guidance counselor, doctor, religious leader or teacher.

Parents and children must learn to trust one another to make good decisions. We can help our children to know what’s right and wrong. Get involved. Show your children you’re serious about this. Tell them about the effects of good and bad decisions. The more parents can show their children love, respect and acceptance, the more we’ll get them back to us. Keep the lines of communication open 24x7x365. The motto for the Community of Concern is, “Together we can keep our children alcohol and drug free.”

The Ashland Education Foundation Funds 10 New Grants in 2010

I have been fortunate to work with a superb group of people on The Ashland Education Foundation. This community-based organization is dedicated to providing enhanced educational opportunities for students in the Ashland Public Schools. This spring, we funded 10 grants, which spanned a variety of disciplines and departments across the spectrum of schools:

Calling All Scientists: $613 to Jennifer Temple, Warren School

Clay in Class – A Lasting Impression: $2,000 to Colleen Glynn, Mindess School

Digital Scanner: $1,350 to Tina Hunter, Ashland High School

ELL Classroom Library: $1,500 to Daniella Alvarez-Bradley and Nicole Lynch, Ashland Middle School, Ashland High School

Jump for the Health of It! $300 to Geri Sprague and Ann King, Ashland Middle School

Kites and Bikes Storage Shed: $1,600 to Teresa McCarrick, Warren School

Linking Traditional Literature to Social Studies Topics and Contemporary Literature: $1,270 to Kimberlee Arnold and Maureen Welzel, Ashland Middle School

Maintenance of New Salt Water Aquarium: $1,100 to Christine Fletcher, Ashland High School

Massachusetts Children’s Book Award: $750 to Patricia Kacevich, Mindess School

Point of Sale System: $2,000 to Lisa Beaudin, Ashland Middle School

All of the projects demonstrate innovation, collaboration and have a potentially broad impact upon the school.

AEFI also holds an annual Fundraising Dinner and Grants Awards Ceremony in the spring. This year, it was on May 4 at Staples headquarters in Framingham. I am proud to report that we raised more than $7,500 through dinner tickets, donations, a raffle and silent auction. The organization will use the proceeds to fund next year’s teacher grants, along with proceeds from the foundation’s GIFTS program, to which people contribute several times a year.

Guest speakers at this year’s dinner were Doreen Nichols, Staples vice president of associate relations and global diversity, who emphasized the importance of corporate support for education. Senator. Karen Spilka, D-Ashland, gave an overview of what lies ahead for education funding at the state level.

It is organizations, such as the AEFI, which keep a town going strong. The citizens of the town and surrounding businesses can work together to support our wonderful educators. In the end, the students win as does the future of our nation. By offering challenging, enriching educational experiences to our children, we can help them grow up to give back to society and keep paying it forward.

Parenting by the stages; can we ever catch up?

I have been a parent for a little more than 12 years. So, I could go on a limb and say I’m seasoned. Thing is, as soon as I have figured out one stage of a child’s life, his/her life and maturity changes, and I need to readjust to another stage. Quickly. If someone with an infant were to ask me a question, I might not be so seasoned anymore.

At first, parents worry more about the child’s basic needs, the physical needs. Is he eating enough? Growing enough? Pooping enough? Will she suffocate in the crib?

We turn around, and we worry the child will swallow a button and choke to death or put a bead up his nose. We know the child can make decisions, and we try to teach right from wrong in a very general, black and white sense. Another turn, and we worry he’ll fall off his bike and break a limb, or get teased at school. We’re now moving more into the “the child is independent, but we still need to watch over him” and into the emotional health.

It’s hard to write this and not get choked up. I remember when they were born and watched their every move. The first smiles. The first crawls and steps. The outings when it seemed like we needed to take everything with us just in case. Registration for kindergarten. First day of 1st grade. Hebrew School consecration. I have tears in my eyes thinking about it.

My son did put a bead up his nose. Fortunately, he knew how to blow it out. And not too long ago my daughter fell off her bike and hurt her ankle. Thank goodness it wasn’t a break. These are small and part of growing up- physical and emotions. It all seems easy in hindsight. These days, I’m talking with my children about sex, and saying no to drugs and alcohol. More than ever we pray that they will make the right decisions when we’re not around.

I think the good thing about parenting is that we get a little smarter at each stage. Sure, we can get baffled by some actions and reactions. But overall, we can think a little more quickly on our feet based on past experiences and what will sustain for the longer term. We try to be consistent in what we say and do.
By working hard for the past decade, we have begun to raise two smart, outgoing and sensitive children. They are our pride and joy, and they can drive us up the wall. But isn’t that the challenge? We raise our children to be independent thinkers, to question and to fight for what they think is right. Why should I stop them from doing that with us? Maybe getting more TV time isn’t exactly what we meant by fighting for what they think is right, but it’s a start.

Will we ever catch up? Probably not. As we raise our children, we also raise ourselves as parents. I wonder what tomorrow will bring? No time to worry.